What We Might Do To You During Labor

It's been a very busy week...I've been making my lists and checking them twice to make sure that we have everything we need for "the move"! Yesterday Jeff and I went on a tour of "France", a.k.a. the hospital we are transferring to. The nurse giving the tour was more than helpful and explained in detail what we could expect the day of delivery. She was open to our requests and didn't look at me like I had three heads when I asked about natural birth options! It was so wonderful to have the first person we encountered in "France" be so pleasant and supportive! After the tour, Jeff and I were confident that we made the right decision...especially after what we heard at the Childbirth Class at the old joint last night...

So we still had two more childbirth classes that we had signed up for and we decided to attend since Jeff had already rearranged his Tai Chi teaching schedule to accommodate the classes. The classes we had left were both on Delivery. Part I, last night, was about the basics of what your uterus does during contractions and the stages of labor. The nurse teaching this class warned the "epidural moms" not to be afraid of the videos that she was showing because the videos were of moms who chose to not have any medication and deliver their babies completely naturally....really....do women who get pregnant not realize that there is pain involved?!

The nurse teacher was particularly excited about next week's class, which she strongly encouraged everyone to attend...she said, and I quote, "Next week's class is one of my favorites. It's all about what we might do to you during labor!" And she was serious!!! My mouth was wide open as I glanced at Jeff, whose mouth was equally as open! The look we exchanged was "thank God for "France"!!" Now I'm not that naive...I realize that there are rules and regulations that hospitals have to follow...however, to refer to it as "what we might do to you during labor"...really?

So I started thinking about this...what MIGHT they do to me during labor...

1. If I refuse to have an IV or an epidural, might they pull out the Voodoo doll until I surrender?

2. If I prefer to be mobile during labor, might they lash me with wet noodles until I come to my senses and get back in the bed?

3. If I choose to deliver my baby in a non-traditional position, might they stand at the foot of the bed, holding a baby doll and pantomime me delivering on my back?

4. If I request to have something more than ice chips to sustain me through the hours and hours and hours of labor, might they laugh at me as they finish their Extra Giant Smoothie and Value Meal?

5. If I request for my doctor to coach me through the last stage of pushing so that I won't tear myself wide open, might she look at me and say that she can refer me to one of her partners who is more supportive of that....wait, that one really happened....

Anywho...the possibilities are endless. I am quite aware of the millions and millions of unknowns that go along with pregnancy, labor, delivery and beyond. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make sure that my baby enters this world in a peaceful, loving and supportive environment...so France, HERE WE COME!!!!!